An Unexpected Response…

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I am overwhelmed by the amount of texts, messages and emails I have received in the last fifteen hours or so. I can’t even begin to describe how encouraging it is to know that, not only am I not alone, but I am in good company. Several women from the Miss America Organization have reached out- from former Miss Americas to past and current title holders. I’ve also heard from teenagers, former NFL cheerleaders, moms and several people I have never met. Quotes like: 

“I FEEL YOU! I still don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life, or what career I want to pursue. Life before (insert MAO title) seemed so “solid” and now it’s so uncertain.”

“Just read your blog. As someone in therapy for issues developed during my (insert MAO title) experience, I got incredibly emotional hearing how someone as brave and strong as you got hurt.”

“I’m on the verge of tears reading your blog- and the only reason i’m not crying is because I am emotionless. I did not know I wasn’t alone.”

“If you replaced ‘Miss America’ in your blog with ‘NFL Cheerleader,’ I could have written it myself. You’ll never stop wanting to be ‘perfect.'” 

….four out of hundreds. 

Apparently this is not something I am facing alone. I’m not sure if it’s that I am surrounded by young women who, like me, have gone out and, ultimately, achieved the goal that they were hoping for, but man is it humbling to know that we are all, on some level, in the same boat. Now….let’s all get to shore and get the hell out. Then throw a party!  Being this miserable on a daily basis is something I’m just not used to. Maybe I was before and just didn’t notice due to the ridiculous nature of my life and schedule? I mean…when, in my life, have I EVER had this much time to sit down and think? Never. Many of you have said that this is a “time for rest,” but how does someone who does not know how to rest….rest? And…I HAVE BEEN RESTING! These past six months have been one, long, “what am I going to do today?” The answer is usually food, Netflix and wine. Gross.

My daily emotions vary in such a way that it’s actually quite comical. Okay, not really, but still… I woke up generally happy, excited for the day and looking forward to the gym. I dropped off my Mom at the airport and suddenly I was in the depths of sadness again. It’s easy to feel better and put on a brave face when your biggest fan and most honest critic is propping you up for a few days. I do realize that many of my feelings stem from the fact that I just moved to a new place. Most of them, however, stem from a lack of purpose. The last five years of my life were spent working toward and reaching for a goal. Now what? 

I moved to LA with a contract at William Morris Endeavors. The “goal” is to become a national face/personality on television, but honestly, where does one start?  In order to get there I have to pick a “niche”…am I a beauty/fashion expert? (meh..possibly) Pop culture? (…..#Kimye) Fitness? (ha!) Food? (nah) Politics? (snooze) What? What am I? Because…to this industry…I have to be something. I have to pick the road I want to travel and, at this point, that feels daunting. Who wants to put themselves in a category? Certainly not me. The original idea was to write a book. And say what? Why can’t I just be Mallory-the-all-encompassing? Because that. doesn’t. get your foot in the door. 

Soooooo i’m ready for this journey. I’m hoping that all of this writing will lead me to where I’m supposed to be and help me figure out the next step. I had a great workout today and I look forward to a kick-ass morning with my trainer tomorrow, too. I’ll be taking BMI, measurements, weight and pictures (this isnt so much for “weight loss” as it is accountability). This is gettin’ real, ya’ll. In addition, i’m going to read the first chapter of Artison Soul and begin discussion here. For those of you who do not have a relationship with God, I think that this book is more of a way of thinking as it pertains to crafting your future, rather than living in your past. I would like to move on from my past. *waves* I hope you’ll pick up a copy at at Barnes and Noble or on Amazon. Also- we have a French lesson. Oui!  I feel more productive just writing about it! 

I love your feedback in the comments section. Thanks for caring and for sharing. 

 

M

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “An Unexpected Response…

  1. Mallory,

    I started following your journey toward the end of your M.A. year, but I have consistently noticed how true you are to yourself. It seems so easy to want to hide your emotions when you’re in the spotlight- you don’t want to ruin anyone’s view of you. But I think the fact that you’re brave enough to openly admit the way you’re feeling to hundreds and thousands of people, a lot who don’t personally know you, is one of the biggest feats you can accomplish.
    I have battled depression since my senior year of high school. I am now in my senior year in college. There are good days and bad days. There are days when I want to stay in bed all day with my puppy and just cry. But I’ve learned that letting things go, and opening up to people who care (however hard both of those things may be) is the best medicine. I’ve learned that on the days I feel the worst, it is the most important to get up and do something. Anything.
    I am also not sure what my life plans are, and that scares me too. I’m about to graduate college with an English degree. I’ve always wanted to teach, but my parents think I should go to law school. That’s a plausible option. I’ve been through three majors in college, so I totally understand having to find your niche. I’m still not sure what is going to make me happiest in the long run, but I have faith that it will work out.
    I am hopeful for you as well. I just know you’re going to help so many people along the way. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Always remember that flaws make you unique, not weak. Good luck on your journey, and I can’t wait to see how you progress.

    Xoxo
    Kaitlyn

  2. Hi Mallory,

    We’ve never met, and probably never will, but I wanted to tell you that I greatly admire you and your courage to be vulnerable and honest. I think that what you are in the process of doing is so beautiful and amazing and difficult to do in private, yet alone in a public space. However, because of your courage and honesty, so many others, including myself are able to push ourselves along this same path in our own lives.

    Thank you for opening up, and giving me the courage to really challenge myself in my own life to think about these same issues. Be kind, be courageous, be you. 🙂 Thank you for your words! We can do it!

  3. Oh my gosh!, Mal I can totally understand and see where your at, by experience in both yourself as well as myself. I will message you about some personal stuff for just you to see, however, YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS! Trust me, been there done that! Never think God isn’t there for you…sometimes he is just waiting to be called, He is there for unconditional love, support, understanding as well as FORGIVENESS!. I love you with all my heart and I am always here for you.

  4. Sounds like to me you need to get your agent to get you an audition for “The View” They are looking for a young perspective. You have vast interests and that is so important for talk shows.

  5. This is exactly why you are an amazing role model to so many girls. I relate to EVERYTHING, you have said and will be joining you over the next 60 days. Thank you for always being real.

  6. Hi Mallory,

    I’m loving this journey your on. And just to add my two cents……BE THIS. Be you and sell THAT to Hollywood. The world needs more positive role models for women and girls that are willing to be honest and open and not airbrushed. I haven’t given two squats about MA since I competed a bajillion years ago, because I was fed up with the “fakeness.” The butt-glue, the makeup, the terrible personalities hidden behind a plastic smile and the CATTINESS of it. Not the person I wanted to be or represent. But then, you came along. And I saw your intro at the beginning of the show, serving tables and being genuine. It was INSPIRING. Seriously. Everything about you came of as real and in charge and I rooted for you the entire broadcast. I am so happy that you won and had this amazing opportunity to be that kind of person that we desperately need in this country to make other girls realize it’s okay to be yourself.

    This moment you’re having, that’s okay too. Everyone goes through it, and as you can tell, you are not alone. Stay focused, use this platform to monitor your progress, and sell yourself as the ass-kicking, awesome role model that you are. Share your struggles. It will help more than you can possibly know.

    Thanks for being you. ❤

  7. I am both in awe of and inspired by your honesty. Your words are touching and I so appreciate someone shedding light on the fact that sometimes life isn’t perfect and its ok to admit that we don’t have it all together. Thank you for lighting a fire in me to change myself in small but significant ways and find joy in my imperfections. Best of luck to you on your journey. Thank you for your willingness to share it with us.

  8. Mallory,

    Your niche is women’s issues. Your resume is heavy with service as Miss America. You are already a role model. Altruism is pouring out of your soul. Your blog is reaching out to women who desperately need to hear your message. I would say you are already on a path and you don’t even realize it. Maybe going back to school, securing an internship (TV broadcasting?), volunteering and connecting to strong female role models in your area, and trying to meet some mentors for coffee would be a way to get started. Also, starting over in a new city is ALWAYS hard. Try not to isolate and give yourself time to adjust girl. Learn to trust the process of life….its about to unfold.

    Great blog. XO ~ Jenni

  9. Your honesty just makes us all adore you more! So proud of you for being honest with the world, even though it must be so SO scary. You’re voicing the struggle of some many girls/women today, and letting them know that they aren’t alone (and finding out you aren’t either). You are such a blessing to your family, friends, and fans! Keep it up, Mallory! War Eagle!

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